It was a little more than 8 years ago. My husband and I lived in a small 2 bedroom apartment, sustaining on minimum wage, raising our 5 month old baby. I was breastfeeding at the time and my period hadn't come back since childbirth (which is normal for breastfeeding moms and usually means you are not fertile at the time). I did a routine pregnancy test just because my doctor warned me about pregnancy while breastfeeding, and there it was, the little pink line that read POSITIVE.
I was in shock. That couldn't be happening. My husband and I were struggling at the time. I was on denial and he was too. I don't believe in abortion but I just didn't want to be pregnant.
The rest of the nine months came by more with resignation than with the happiness and excitement that comes with having a new baby. Towards the end of pregnancy I finally accepted it and became happy about it. I was having two girls close in age and they were going to be best friends. On November 1, 2000 at dawn I began labor.
It was an easy labor. I arrived at the hospital at eight forty-something and by 9:40 my baby was born, but I wasn't happy. For some reason I saw my baby girl and it wasn't love at first sight.
I saw her so small and so fragile. She was all wrinkled and red and an ugly little thing. I felt pity for her. I am not proud of those feelings and wasn't proud then. I was struggling. I felt guilty because I was supposed to be happy and in love with my new baby. I was supposed to find her perfect. I couldn't change my feelings no matter how hard I tried. Now I realized I had post-partum depression and if I had talked to someone then instead of hiding my feelings, I could have gotten help and those first months would be really different.
When we went home thinks got harder. Erica had acid reflux and she cried for hours at a time. I had a 15 month old baby and a sick newborn. I barely ate. I couldn't sleep. I lost a ton of weight. I was a zombie.
As the days went by I gradually, finally overcame those feelings and finally fell in love with my daughter. Now I look back and see her newborn pictures and she was beautiful. I see her today and she is one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen.
There are experts that say an unborn baby can feel the mothers reject. That those first days of their lives are really important on the kids psychological development, and I truly believe that and can see it on my 5 kids. Erica is insecure and shy, she has self esteem problems plus learning problems. Maybe its a coincidence, maybe its not. I don't feel guilty, not anymore, because those feelings I had through pregnancy and post-partum were something I couldn't control. I cannot solve anything by feeling guilty. All I can do is do whatever I can to help her and support her.
